The final throw-down of anarchist wild hair dudes which beat Rebel Hairstyle:
Bakunin, Kropotkin, Galleani, Hoffman, Thoreau, Foucault.
Anarchism or Barbar-ism?
April 1st 2012
Special to Rebel Youth
In a surprise move that has shocked thousands of internet revolutionaries, the on-line personality known as Rebel Maoist Hairstyle has apparently resolved a long-standing conflict between himself and another ultra-left group.
The conflict, perhaps one of the most serious ideological debates within the left in recent years, was known under the twitter hash tag "War of Hair."
"This conflict, the War of Hair, started as a "comradely competition" to identify which group -- the Maoists or the Anarchists -- had wilder hair," an inside source from the website Basement Revolutionary Discussion Board.com told Rebel Youth Magazine.
The contest however quickly developed into an intense battle between the faction represented by a poster by Rebel Maoist Hairstyle and an assortment of anarchists identifying with the "Convergence of the Loose Anti-Croppers of hair" (CLAC-h), lasting most of the past weekend until Rebel Maoist Hairstyle suddenly and unexpectedly surrendered, admitting defeat and logging off his various accounts for the night.
Rebel Maoist Hairstyle is one of the most widely self-acknowledged experts about revolutionary styling, having devoted several years to this cause. His defeat may be a set-back to his cause on the internet.
Not long after admitting defeat, CLAC-h responded. "We have proven again that Anarchism is a hair style of true freedom, which has the solution to the oppression and repression of mankind by the coercive structures of the stylist," their statement said.
Battle contra comb
The fight mainly took place via long, detailed essays with titles like "Smash the old blow dry, its right to rub down," "Residual Stalinist Sleek: the discourse of stateism in modern scissors," "People's war precludes preening," and "Regurgitating socialist shampoo does not constitute analysis."
It is estimated that as many as 700,000 words were used in these exchanges which included sources, video, and photographic evidence. Posts stood out as getting a flurry of comments and observations.
Short insults of a few characters were also fired over blogs, online videos, twitter, facebook and the panorama of social media now used by many on the left -- especially with the Basement Revolutionary community.
Haircuts are bourgeois
The debate has shown that many self-identified revolutionaries actively engaged in the online struggle on facebook, blogs and other social media sites truly believe that scissors are weapons of the ruling class and their neo-liberal capitalist austerity agenda and combating these instruments is an important challenge for today.
"The assumption of both camps of debaters was that their side had the least "conformist," or "counter-revolutionary" hair," our source told us. "Now it seems this title is firmly held by the anarchists."
"When it comes to their theories of spontaneity and presentation of hair," it seems the Maoists more or less copy the fundamental principals of anarchism the source said, noting that superficial appearances would seem to contradict this conclusion but that was why it was all the more profound.
No hope in uniting left?
The end of the debate has quickly dashed optimism about bringing together long-desperate forces as various commentators noted these groups had much in common in terms of flowing locks.
"In my micro-group we say we are 'not your grandmother's communist party' and we are all pure revolutionaries -- students who have rejected grooming as a bourgeois legality of our parents and therefore never untangle our hair after rolling out of bed in the afternoon," a commenter with the name of "People Radically Against Coupe de cheveux" (PRACc) said in a discussion thread.
"CLAC-h, it is with great pride we count you within our ranks of fashion," they added.
Posted at 04/02/12 14:38 by Rebel Youth
Disregarding the strong appeals Rebel Hairstyle has now gone on to make a full disclosure video admitting defeat, Rebel Youth just confirmed. In a nine minute and twenty-three second YouTube called "Four year hairiversary" (referring to his hair war hobby taking up four years of his life), the blogger speaks out and strikes an pose, smoking a cigar, looking very well dressed, but wearing a classic slick-back hairstyle.
The new combed appearance was noticeable.
In the video Rebel Hairstyle tells the world that "A lot of the subscribers who have been watching for a long time do remember this location. This is the place, as I said, where I originally started it. This is also the place were I recorded the video announcing that I had become -- a Vidal Sassoon partner in Rebel Hair TM !"
"We knew immediately it was an important Youtube because Rebel Hairstyle had chosen to leave his basement," our source told Rebel Youth after watching the film. "He came outside, upstairs to his garage or somewhere. Amazing. It is surprising he was not wearing sun glasses or protective facial gear from the sun."
Later in the Youtube Rebel Hairstyle admitted that he could not have come close to matching the final throw-down challenge he received -- Bakunin, Kropotkin, Galleani, Hoffman, Thoreau, Foucault.
"Marx was equal to Bakunin on the beard if not superior, but Bakunin beat him out with his crazy hair," he says in the video. "I then threw down Engles, Lenin, Stalin, Kalinin, and Molitov all against Kropotkin but it was like I was Paper but the other side was Scissors! Omg!" he added.
In a passionate, detailed, lengthy and involved part of the video monologue, Rebel Hairstyle also described how he desperately tried Fidel and Che against Galleani but the man's powerful 'bomb-thrower' moustache could not be beaten.
"I have spent years reading webpages, hurting my eyes, studying obscure leftist hair-story," Rebel Hairstyle said. "To have it come down to this, on such an important topic, is just devastating."
Criticism of plays
Some commentators have been critical of Rebel Hairstyle's plays and moves, however. The contest took the style of a card game at points, with the two sides "playing" competing images of revolutionaries. "I tried to come back against Hoffman with Victor Jara and then I realized from reading Wikipedia that he was a revisionist and supporter of Allende," he told a commentator via Facebook when asked why he had not used the famous Chilean communist musician against the American author of Steal this book.
"You have to keep Pure, not unlike in World of Warcraft!" he insisted, adding "I'm not that revisionist Young Commie Hockey Card League of Canada!" while noting that "all my usual trump players -- Chairman Mao, Kim Il Sung, Enver Hoxha -- seem to have favoured barber-ism over bed head," he said.
Asked about Foucault, Rebel Hairstyle said it was a trick. When he realized the big problem -- Foucault had no hair -- he tried to launch an appeal, but the anarchists bogged-down the process with a discourse about the technology of power and demands of consensus agreement, and so he was forced to abandon the case as the board moderators were taking too long to reach a resolution.
A few commentators, clearly envious of this posters' fame, sarcastically accused Rebel Hairstyle of engaging in pointless debates and urged him to try politics in the 'real world,' an inside source has also told Rebel Youth Magazine.
A secret transcript obtained by Rebel Youth from the site owners of Basement Revolutionary Discussion Board.com shows now-deleted posts reported by users as disruptive trolling.
"We are strong believers in free speech at any cost," a source from Basement Revolutionary told Rebel Youth Magazine with the guarantee of anonymity. "But while our site tolerates misogyny, trans-phobia, etc. as you can clearly see these comments were really hateful and not funny," the source said.
The posts attacking Rebel Hairstyle (which are too long to reprint here) suggested that you can not be a self-proclaimed basement blogger and that talk is cheap but action is what really counts.
Haterz drowned out!
"Positively, the 'haterz' were happily drowned-out by a slew of supportive, powerful and profound (if short) remarks urging Rebel Hairstyle not to proclaim defeat," our inside source said.
"Theory and practice remain apart," the source wrote Rebel Youth, as they should.
At this point it is unclear if there will be a second attempt to unite the revolutionary left through another War of Hairstyles debate.